Kansans and Friends In Weight Loss

I am revisiting this book because there are still strategies I need to continue to work on in order to get things right in my head and get strong for the pending release of my sons father from prison this month.

In this assignment we are asked to challenge our beliefs, by listing in order of significance the top five things in our life that we have simply failed to fully or completely acknowledge to ourselves.

The list that I had made when I originally sat down to do this what seems like a year ago now is as follows:

1.  Failing to work on feelings associated with the sexual abuse at my grandfathers hands
2. Failing to deal with my actions of starting the fire when I was 10 years old
3. Regrets over not being there in my grandmothers final moments
4. Wishing I had enough guts to do what is needed to put some closure on my dads death
5. Failing to work on my feelings of self worth

Sitting here looking at this list now I would have to say that the list has changed somewhat and now looks more like:

1. Failing to deal with the sexual, physical and verbal abuse at the hands of my grandfather
2. Failing to deal with being raped twice
3. Failing to come to terms as to the true reason I gave my first son up for adoption
4. Failing to deal with the physical and verbal abuse from Jeff and Wayne
5. Failing to deal with feeling of abandonment at an early age and all the things that happened to me as a result of that abandonment- this includes dealing with the triple whammy of being taken away, having to go to my dads funeral, and then going right back into the foster homes we were placed not less than three days before. This also includes my mom ditching us when I was 7. This also includes the deaths of several key loved ones who showed me kindness and caring in an uncertain time in my life.

Looking back at the list I made first I can not change not being able to be there when my grandmother breathed her last breath. I had maintained almost a steady two week vigil at her bedside off and on and dealing with being a a newly single parent as I had just left his father earlier that year. I can’t change the fact I didn’t check to make sure the ringer on my cell phone was set to ring instead of vibrate and missed the call to get to the hospital. So I need to stop beating myself up over this.

The other things though all contribute to my feeling of self worth and that even though I am enjoying certain successes in life right now I still don’t feel like I am good enough or worthy enough of these moments of success.

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I had to take a bit of a break from the self analysis because well quite frankly going back into my childhood and rehashing some of the recent stuff from the not too distant past takes an emotional toll on me and while writing does help keep me from turning into an emotional eater I still get drained from trying to deal with it.

To this day I still feel dirty when I think of what my grandfather did to me and it makes me angry that he did it to me. My grandfather,my mom, my oldest brother and both abusive, alcoholic ex boyfriends are the reasons I find it hard to trust anyone which brings me to the first question of Chapter 6.

1. Do you have someone you trust, someone who will never tell what comes up during an angry spat, someone who can listen with understanding-someone you can vent to?

I had to take some time and really think about this question as I do not trust myself when I get angry. I am on a high enough dosage of Zoloft that it pretty much tampers most of my negative feelings. If I can’t trust myself to get angry I don’t trust myself to get angry around other people and I don’t have that many people I consider close enough to let them ever see that side of me. I know I let a lot of people see the informative, intelligent, up with the latest info yadda yadda here and over on my other blog and other places I reside in on the internet but to show anyone my vulnerable, scared, and angry side is something I try to sheild those who follow me on the internet and in my personal life from. Actually I live alone with my son. I also decided not to get into another relationship right now.

My existence offline is really rather a hermit like existence. I have to force myself to get out every day and see the outside world and if I didn’t have my son I would hardly ever venture out. Why? I feel at times I really don’t fit in anywhere. I know I am not alone in the world when it comes to sexual abuse and a history with alcoholic abusers, however, there is something in an abuse survivors head that will linger for the rest of their lifetime telling them they aren’t good enough for anyone because they are unclean or unwanted. I think that is one reason why I have turned to a higher power. My choice is the Christian God. I know that some may not or will not listen past this point, but well there is something within the Bible that resonates with me. Since I have become leader of my WELCA group and have been studying this Bible study series I have seen that Jesus and God don’t care about the color of your skin, what you have done, or what has been done to you, they only care about you.

Now mind you it is still taking me time to really wrap my head around this and I am not about forcing my beliefs on anyone what I am about it trying to find something to believe in. Which by the way that was also a song by Poison released in 1990, the year I graduated from high school three months pregnant.

I wanted so badly to find something to make sense of what was going on in my world at that time and I am still trying to make sense of it. I know there is a reason why I have gone through what I have and why I still continue to struggle. It isn’t clear at times but I have seen things happen and for folks who have led a less traumatic life it cripples them when a major crisis hits for the first time. I,however,am the calm in the storm for them. I have been through whatever it is they are going through. So I can then move into a position of strength for them when they need it.

2. Have you ever turned a frustrating event into a funny story?

Well now now that is an answer I would have to really think about. I am not sure which frustrating event in my life would merit trying to make light of. I guess it could be all the aggravations I have had with my car. Now that has been an adventure of sorts since owning it. I have had nearly $2000 in repairs done to the engine and the electrical system and the brakes because well my ex boyfriend and his friend are shade tree mechanics at best. Neither one of them are certified mechanics.

3. When you are facing a tough day how do you feel after you pray about it?

I tend not to really pray about something I kind of mull it over and try to figure out how to handle it. I look at it this way I can either get angry about it or I can figure out someway to move through it and past it so it doesn’t consume me. I have to do that now more than ever because I don’t feel good when I let myself sink into depression. I get this overwhelming sense of fatigue and then I just want to sleep or shrink inside myself and then I lose the ability to be productive. So I have to NOT let the smallest set back get in my road.

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