Kansans and Friends In Weight Loss

For the next part of this assignment we are asked to write a story to ourselves as to why we will not follow the teachings in this book to change our lives. Kind of a way of identifying what we use for cop outs when we don’t want to acknowledge what we are doing isn’t working.

This is what I had to say

The reasons I fail to effectively deal with these issues are few and are cop outs actually instead of reasons. I don’t want to work through this because I don’t want to look weak even to myself. Crying is or at least was told to be a sign of weakness in my house growing up. There is also the one statement on page 28 that I seem to use a lot”Compared to what we could have had to endure, we aren’t doing so badly.” I seem to fall back on this one quite often. I always minimize what I have gone through because maybe it seems safer that way. If I keep minimizing it enough it just looks like another fact to life that some just have to go through. It is also my way of controlling what happened to me by not fully acknowledging the impact it had on me. Yes the “It’s too hard” resonates with me as well. I don’t want to deal with the emotional roller coaster I know this will put me on. That is the main reason I fail time and time again. I don’t want to deal with it> I want to feel normal in light of my abnormal past. I know I am not normal though so that is even more reason to work on what I have to work on.

Share This

Like what you see, please subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!Have a Great Day!

I am revisiting this book because there are still strategies I need to continue to work on in order to get things right in my head and get strong for the pending release of my sons father from prison this month.

In this assignment we are asked to challenge our beliefs, by listing in order of significance the top five things in our life that we have simply failed to fully or completely acknowledge to ourselves.

The list that I had made when I originally sat down to do this what seems like a year ago now is as follows:

1.  Failing to work on feelings associated with the sexual abuse at my grandfathers hands
2. Failing to deal with my actions of starting the fire when I was 10 years old
3. Regrets over not being there in my grandmothers final moments
4. Wishing I had enough guts to do what is needed to put some closure on my dads death
5. Failing to work on my feelings of self worth

Sitting here looking at this list now I would have to say that the list has changed somewhat and now looks more like:

1. Failing to deal with the sexual, physical and verbal abuse at the hands of my grandfather
2. Failing to deal with being raped twice
3. Failing to come to terms as to the true reason I gave my first son up for adoption
4. Failing to deal with the physical and verbal abuse from Jeff and Wayne
5. Failing to deal with feeling of abandonment at an early age and all the things that happened to me as a result of that abandonment- this includes dealing with the triple whammy of being taken away, having to go to my dads funeral, and then going right back into the foster homes we were placed not less than three days before. This also includes my mom ditching us when I was 7. This also includes the deaths of several key loved ones who showed me kindness and caring in an uncertain time in my life.

Looking back at the list I made first I can not change not being able to be there when my grandmother breathed her last breath. I had maintained almost a steady two week vigil at her bedside off and on and dealing with being a a newly single parent as I had just left his father earlier that year. I can’t change the fact I didn’t check to make sure the ringer on my cell phone was set to ring instead of vibrate and missed the call to get to the hospital. So I need to stop beating myself up over this.

The other things though all contribute to my feeling of self worth and that even though I am enjoying certain successes in life right now I still don’t feel like I am good enough or worthy enough of these moments of success.

Share This

Adolescence  as I mentioned in my earlier post  got much worse.  Hang on your in for a rough ride there were many bumps in the road.

Age 12

Positive- told someone  I was being molested

Negative- Grandfather bullied me into lying that it didn’t happen,wanted to run away that summer but I couldn’t because of my eye

Age 13

Negative- Made several attempts to run away all of them failed, hated Junior High

Age 14

Negative- gave up trying to run away,hated junior high, hated high school,lost four kids in our high school that year one a few months before graduation and three on graduation weekend, had to go to a double casket ceremony the morning of the class of “87’s graduation and one the following day.

Positive-liked band,got a B+ for a report on The History of Rock and Roll I did for history class, graduated from junior high

Between the ages of 13 and 14 I also attempted suicide two or three times. They all failed.

Age 15

Positive- got to go to a party and got drunk,finally placed in a foster home

Negative- the next day it was time to take drastic measures to leave home

Age 16

Positive- Moved to Topeka,also spent the last semester of 10th grade in a new school

Negative- Found out about my dad’s cause of death as actually being suicide, got stood up for my sweet sixteen date

Age 17

Negative- got raped,went to a foster home and stayed almost until graduation

Between 16 and 17 I left my mom’s house and spent time off and on the streets while going to high school because I got tired of being let down by people I thought I could trust

Age 18

Positive- Moved to CA,had my first son,moved back to Topeka

Negative- got pregnant,gave up first son due to the fact I wasn’t ready to mentally handle raising a kid

This exercise took a lot out of me having to go back into my past. I remembered more about being molested as well.

Share This

In addition to working through the Living Above Worry and Stress book I am tackling the Life Strategies book by Dr. Phil.

I did my first task in the workbook the other night while my son played on the library pc. I have been getting us a study room so I can read and do some self discovery work. Anyway I have worked through two tasks I realize I am frustrated that I can make more money than what I know I have been able to, that I am capable of more than I am accomplishing, that I am suffering financial burdens I can’t handle and that I live with frustration and depression most of the time.

The next task is assigning a time line to your life starting with childhood, then adolescence,young adulthood,married or adult life and later life. Then he asks you to break them up into negative and positive events on either side of the time line.

My childhood was filled with more negatives than positives.

3 yrs old- removed from home,lost my father to suicide,went to his funeral, then immediately after was sent right back to my foster home.

4-5 yrs old- still in foster homes

5-6 yrs old positive:released to grandparents,negative:grandfather started showing his abusive side

7 yrs old- positive;got a dog, negative mom ditched us to be with some guy,lost my favorite uncle,got in trouble for flipping a girl off in first grade and for showing a boy my private parts

8 yrs old- positive: made my first communion

9 yrs old- hated fourth grade

10 yrs old- tried to start a fire at school. I actually started one at home cause I wanted to kill my grandfather, my grandfather started molesting me

11 yrs old- grandma was sick a lot,started to hate family vacations

12 yrs old- positive: confirmation, negative hit in the eye with a hardball(summer sucked that year)

There is more that I remember but these are the key things that stick out in my head. My childhood wasn’t a picnic and I spent most of it waiting to be old enough so I could move out and live my own life. Many years later I look back at all those who tried to manipulate things supposedly in my best interest. I get very angry thinking of all the crap that happened that could have been avoided. However, as the serenity prayer goes “Lord grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” I have prayed this many many many times in my adult life. No I am not an alcoholic,drug addict, overeater, or otherwise but I do have a seriously negative relationship with food.

As I hit adolescence things got worse. More to come on that one.

Share This