Kansans and Friends In Weight Loss

For the next part of this assignment we are asked to write a story to ourselves as to why we will not follow the teachings in this book to change our lives. Kind of a way of identifying what we use for cop outs when we don’t want to acknowledge what we are doing isn’t working.

This is what I had to say

The reasons I fail to effectively deal with these issues are few and are cop outs actually instead of reasons. I don’t want to work through this because I don’t want to look weak even to myself. Crying is or at least was told to be a sign of weakness in my house growing up. There is also the one statement on page 28 that I seem to use a lot”Compared to what we could have had to endure, we aren’t doing so badly.” I seem to fall back on this one quite often. I always minimize what I have gone through because maybe it seems safer that way. If I keep minimizing it enough it just looks like another fact to life that some just have to go through. It is also my way of controlling what happened to me by not fully acknowledging the impact it had on me. Yes the “It’s too hard” resonates with me as well. I don’t want to deal with the emotional roller coaster I know this will put me on. That is the main reason I fail time and time again. I don’t want to deal with it> I want to feel normal in light of my abnormal past. I know I am not normal though so that is even more reason to work on what I have to work on.

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I am revisiting this book because there are still strategies I need to continue to work on in order to get things right in my head and get strong for the pending release of my sons father from prison this month.

In this assignment we are asked to challenge our beliefs, by listing in order of significance the top five things in our life that we have simply failed to fully or completely acknowledge to ourselves.

The list that I had made when I originally sat down to do this what seems like a year ago now is as follows:

1.  Failing to work on feelings associated with the sexual abuse at my grandfathers hands
2. Failing to deal with my actions of starting the fire when I was 10 years old
3. Regrets over not being there in my grandmothers final moments
4. Wishing I had enough guts to do what is needed to put some closure on my dads death
5. Failing to work on my feelings of self worth

Sitting here looking at this list now I would have to say that the list has changed somewhat and now looks more like:

1. Failing to deal with the sexual, physical and verbal abuse at the hands of my grandfather
2. Failing to deal with being raped twice
3. Failing to come to terms as to the true reason I gave my first son up for adoption
4. Failing to deal with the physical and verbal abuse from Jeff and Wayne
5. Failing to deal with feeling of abandonment at an early age and all the things that happened to me as a result of that abandonment- this includes dealing with the triple whammy of being taken away, having to go to my dads funeral, and then going right back into the foster homes we were placed not less than three days before. This also includes my mom ditching us when I was 7. This also includes the deaths of several key loved ones who showed me kindness and caring in an uncertain time in my life.

Looking back at the list I made first I can not change not being able to be there when my grandmother breathed her last breath. I had maintained almost a steady two week vigil at her bedside off and on and dealing with being a a newly single parent as I had just left his father earlier that year. I can’t change the fact I didn’t check to make sure the ringer on my cell phone was set to ring instead of vibrate and missed the call to get to the hospital. So I need to stop beating myself up over this.

The other things though all contribute to my feeling of self worth and that even though I am enjoying certain successes in life right now I still don’t feel like I am good enough or worthy enough of these moments of success.

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I had to take a bit of a break from the self analysis because well quite frankly going back into my childhood and rehashing some of the recent stuff from the not too distant past takes an emotional toll on me and while writing does help keep me from turning into an emotional eater I still get drained from trying to deal with it.

To this day I still feel dirty when I think of what my grandfather did to me and it makes me angry that he did it to me. My grandfather,my mom, my oldest brother and both abusive, alcoholic ex boyfriends are the reasons I find it hard to trust anyone which brings me to the first question of Chapter 6.

1. Do you have someone you trust, someone who will never tell what comes up during an angry spat, someone who can listen with understanding-someone you can vent to?

I had to take some time and really think about this question as I do not trust myself when I get angry. I am on a high enough dosage of Zoloft that it pretty much tampers most of my negative feelings. If I can’t trust myself to get angry I don’t trust myself to get angry around other people and I don’t have that many people I consider close enough to let them ever see that side of me. I know I let a lot of people see the informative, intelligent, up with the latest info yadda yadda here and over on my other blog and other places I reside in on the internet but to show anyone my vulnerable, scared, and angry side is something I try to sheild those who follow me on the internet and in my personal life from. Actually I live alone with my son. I also decided not to get into another relationship right now.

My existence offline is really rather a hermit like existence. I have to force myself to get out every day and see the outside world and if I didn’t have my son I would hardly ever venture out. Why? I feel at times I really don’t fit in anywhere. I know I am not alone in the world when it comes to sexual abuse and a history with alcoholic abusers, however, there is something in an abuse survivors head that will linger for the rest of their lifetime telling them they aren’t good enough for anyone because they are unclean or unwanted. I think that is one reason why I have turned to a higher power. My choice is the Christian God. I know that some may not or will not listen past this point, but well there is something within the Bible that resonates with me. Since I have become leader of my WELCA group and have been studying this Bible study series I have seen that Jesus and God don’t care about the color of your skin, what you have done, or what has been done to you, they only care about you.

Now mind you it is still taking me time to really wrap my head around this and I am not about forcing my beliefs on anyone what I am about it trying to find something to believe in. Which by the way that was also a song by Poison released in 1990, the year I graduated from high school three months pregnant.

I wanted so badly to find something to make sense of what was going on in my world at that time and I am still trying to make sense of it. I know there is a reason why I have gone through what I have and why I still continue to struggle. It isn’t clear at times but I have seen things happen and for folks who have led a less traumatic life it cripples them when a major crisis hits for the first time. I,however,am the calm in the storm for them. I have been through whatever it is they are going through. So I can then move into a position of strength for them when they need it.

2. Have you ever turned a frustrating event into a funny story?

Well now now that is an answer I would have to really think about. I am not sure which frustrating event in my life would merit trying to make light of. I guess it could be all the aggravations I have had with my car. Now that has been an adventure of sorts since owning it. I have had nearly $2000 in repairs done to the engine and the electrical system and the brakes because well my ex boyfriend and his friend are shade tree mechanics at best. Neither one of them are certified mechanics.

3. When you are facing a tough day how do you feel after you pray about it?

I tend not to really pray about something I kind of mull it over and try to figure out how to handle it. I look at it this way I can either get angry about it or I can figure out someway to move through it and past it so it doesn’t consume me. I have to do that now more than ever because I don’t feel good when I let myself sink into depression. I get this overwhelming sense of fatigue and then I just want to sleep or shrink inside myself and then I lose the ability to be productive. So I have to NOT let the smallest set back get in my road.

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Chapter 4

1.Stress is defined as a mentally or emotionally disruptive condition occurring in response to adverse external influences. It is capable of affecting physical health,usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure,muscular tension,irritability,and depression. What words would you use to describe you emotions when you are under stress? I fell overwhelmed which leads to depression. Frustration is another emotion that seeps in. Lately, though,I have been feeling that maybe just maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I also feel helpless when things get too hard to handle.

2.You won’t find “stress” in your Bible concordances, but some verses of Scripture give apt descriptions of the emotions that are rolling within a stressed-out woman’s heart. What kind of of situations bring on these feeling in you day? Last Thursday the breaker to the hot water tank here in the building had gone out and they spent all day fixing it, well I also hadn’t had my Zoloft for the last three days so I was coping with the whole situation very well.

Chapter 5

1. Would you say you are really living, or just surviving life? What’s the difference between the two? In my case I am just surviving life. Living life would be for me to be able to get out and really do the things I want to do. Instead I am at a point where I am trying to figure out how to have enough to live on from day to day.

2. Are you satisfied with your life, or do you find yourself longing for something quieter,less frenzied? I have introverted tendencies so I have to push myself to get out and get involved when and where I and as I am able to.

3. What has God used to catch your attention lately? I think He has been using my son*W*. I have started a new project and it has been really intense to learn. SO my son has been doing both good and bad things to gain my attention. Kind of like “Hey don’t forget about me.”

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I am combining the next two chapters because the questions I want to share with you in my self analysis are spread out within these two chapters.

Chapter 2

1. Were you ever afraid of the dark?Did you have bad dreams when were little? I was never afraid of the dark however, I did dread bedtime after my grandfather started molesting me. I would use every tick in the book to stay up a little later. The memories of that time in my life continue to haunt me. my dream patterns from childhood often involved deep water. Now that I am an adult my deceased grandmother is front and center in my dreams. 

Chapter 3 

3. Jesus knows our days have their cares. What are the everyday things you worry about? I worry about having enough money for food and gas for my car. I also worry that my son who has CP and a very noticeable speech impairment gets treated fairly at school. I am worrying about the now imminent release of my son’s father from prison. I know when he is released things are going to change up in my life again. That is another reason for really working on myself mentally so I can handle all the things that will entail dealing with him. 

5. Sometimes it’s hard not to peek ahead on our schedules and start to fuss about what will be going on later in the week. We know we shouldn’t be worrying, but it comes so naturally! It’s actually hard to face our days just one at a time. What Worries would disappear for you if you concentrated on the day you are in? I would have to say worrying about not having enough. For me that is trying to figure out how to make things like food and necessities stretch.

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In addition to working through the Living Above Worry and Stress book I am tackling the Life Strategies book by Dr. Phil.

I did my first task in the workbook the other night while my son played on the library pc. I have been getting us a study room so I can read and do some self discovery work. Anyway I have worked through two tasks I realize I am frustrated that I can make more money than what I know I have been able to, that I am capable of more than I am accomplishing, that I am suffering financial burdens I can’t handle and that I live with frustration and depression most of the time.

The next task is assigning a time line to your life starting with childhood, then adolescence,young adulthood,married or adult life and later life. Then he asks you to break them up into negative and positive events on either side of the time line.

My childhood was filled with more negatives than positives.

3 yrs old- removed from home,lost my father to suicide,went to his funeral, then immediately after was sent right back to my foster home.

4-5 yrs old- still in foster homes

5-6 yrs old positive:released to grandparents,negative:grandfather started showing his abusive side

7 yrs old- positive;got a dog, negative mom ditched us to be with some guy,lost my favorite uncle,got in trouble for flipping a girl off in first grade and for showing a boy my private parts

8 yrs old- positive: made my first communion

9 yrs old- hated fourth grade

10 yrs old- tried to start a fire at school. I actually started one at home cause I wanted to kill my grandfather, my grandfather started molesting me

11 yrs old- grandma was sick a lot,started to hate family vacations

12 yrs old- positive: confirmation, negative hit in the eye with a hardball(summer sucked that year)

There is more that I remember but these are the key things that stick out in my head. My childhood wasn’t a picnic and I spent most of it waiting to be old enough so I could move out and live my own life. Many years later I look back at all those who tried to manipulate things supposedly in my best interest. I get very angry thinking of all the crap that happened that could have been avoided. However, as the serenity prayer goes “Lord grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” I have prayed this many many many times in my adult life. No I am not an alcoholic,drug addict, overeater, or otherwise but I do have a seriously negative relationship with food.

As I hit adolescence things got worse. More to come on that one.

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I have been doing some work recently from a book produced by Women of Faith called Living Above Worry and Stress and since I am an emotional eater I felt like this was a good book to have in my arsenal of tools to keep me motivated to at least keep from gaining weight.

I have managed to work through four chapters so far. One thing I want to mention is that this is progressing slowly on purpose. Going through the work in the book I mean. I want to take time to really work through each chapter and also give myself a break between each one as I am washed out emotionally after working through some of it. There is a reason I am on Zoloft after all.

I want to share with you what I am working through so far and I am only going to post one chapter at a time in the next few weeks.

Chapter 1

1. What are your responsibilities around your home?You know,the things you absolutely have to do to stay afloat and can’t delegate to anyone else in the family.

1. cook dinner
2. do laundry
3. clean house
4. pay bills
5. car care
6. check mail
7. pet care
8. PC maintenance
9. shopping

2.What are the occasional, maintenance-type tasks you have to make sure get done?

• PC
• car care-trash,vacuum, windows
• filter(heater),smoke alarm

3. What activities do you attend on a regular basis, or act as chauffeur on your children’s behalf? This varies from week to week, it depends on my classes on campus, my WELCA meetings and related activities. It also depends on when the church library decides to meet. It also depends on how many parental involvement activities are going on at my sons school.

4. What responsibilities do you hold in your church? How much preparation time do these responsibilities take? Since I am the WELCA leader for our group I have to call everyone the night before to make sure everyone is attending. I also have to review the WELCA monthly budget to let my group know of anything relevant to our groups expenditures. I also have to hostess once or twice a year and do a lesson once or twice a year. Then there are the other activities that I am asked to let our group know about like the Spring Banquet and the cluster meeting. With the library committee I just attend the meetings and work shops we have and I also spend an hour or two per month doing routine maintenance on the libraries computer.

5. Birthdays and holidays take a lot of planning.These annual events are traditions , and you are the keeper of the traditions. What seasonal celebrations do you “make” happen for your family? Christmas,Easter,4th of July,Thanksgiving, and Anthony’s birthday.

6. On top of all of these things, many of us have also taken a job. Some of us are self-employed while others are working outside the home. How many hours do you work each week? Also is it a job that your responsibilities weigh on your mind even when at home? I run a non profit message board and website for weight loss support. There is no way I can leave work at work as this has been my life’s work for almost 4 years now.

7. In the midst of all this busyness and business, what would you say are the most important things in your life? My son, my faith, and being a good student.

8. Look at these last few pages. Here are lists of all the people you are responsible for and all the jobs you must do. Do you feel overwhelmed by all of these responsibilities? Doy you have any fears or worries that crop up because of them? I do feel overwhelmed at the moment due to the fact that I am for the first time in five years a single parent again. I knew it would be hard leaving Mark, but I had no idea I was in for such a rocky start as I go it alone. Mark isn’t Anthony’s father but he is the only male role model that my son has had in his life. I left Mark due to many issues within our relationship. Anthony’s father is serving time in prison for aggravated assault with a deady weapon with intent to do bodily harm. Not to me but to another guy while our son was in his care.

9. Look at David’s prayer in Psalm 102:1-3. How is he feeling? distressed and as if time is passing by too quickly

10. We know from the Bible that “God is not the author of confusion”( 1 Cor. 14:33). Fear, worry, and stress are not a part of His plan for our lives. When He made you,what did He have in mind for His workmanship? Look in Ephesians 2:10. For Good Works

I know that for some the Biblical work end of this may be too much or not their thing. I am saying up front right here right now that is not my intention to force another way of beliefs on someone. I am turning to the Bible for my own personal benefit in doing this book study. If you get something out of what I share great either quietly keep it inside or share it with me. If you choose to criticize please do it constructively and diplomatically. I don’t want any drama on my blog and to share this part of my soul has taken me a lot of courage. I have other things in the pipeline that I am working on in regards to getting right inside my head this year. This year is the year for me.

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